America cried for a savior, and the American Academy of Otolaryngology—Head and Neck Surgery Foundation (AAO-HNSF) heard these pleas for an official set of guidelines on the diagnosis and treatment of earwax buildup.
Earwax, clinically known as cerumen, long stood as the Cinderella of bodily fluids. Not ostentatiously gross enough for puerility, but not associated with enough naughty fun for mystique, cerumen fascination long remained an area for children, politicians, and, of course, otolaryngologists (aka ear, nose, and throat doctors).
Which hasn't stopped the occasional—okay, to be fair, omnipresent—whacko from making a killing at things like ear candling and... cotton swabs?
According to the press release accompanying the newly released guidelines, "Inappropriate or harmful interventions are cotton-tipped swabs, oral jet irrigators, and ear candling." The middle one—which seems to be just another instance of the human frailty known as "give me an orifice and I'll find something interesting to stick in it"—Lunar Weight can understand. But really? Cotton swabs? Isn't that what those things are for?
Nope. Not only does Q-Tip itself not list cleaning one's ears as a use for swabs (though, apparently, "clean[ing] around your newborn's umbilical cord" is one more niche heroically filled), but, according to the AAO-HNSF guidelines:
Expert opinion recommends against the use of cotton-tip swabs to remove cerumen from the ear canal ... . The cotton buds at the end of cotton-tip applicators may separate, requiring removal as a foreign body. Although only a case report, fatal otogenic meningitis and brain abscess due to retained cotton tips has been reported.Ear candling, on the other hand, all but stands to reason as subject to nixing. If this photo doesn't look ridiculous to you, stop reading now. For those still with us, we'll just point out that, if our limbic system has taught us anything, it's to keep shit that's on fire away from our heads.
Some questions still remain, however. Like:
- Was it necessary for the press release to include the phrase "greater than one-third of the elderly and cognitively impaired"? Despite her predilection for Franklin Mint crap and her insistence on all but flashing Jimmy Rollins every time she goes to a game, we're reasonably sure Gramma LW's still a step ahead of Corky.
- Aural sex: is it safe? Well, someone does seem to be tackling this issue. And when it comes to hepatitis C, the answer is yes. Merciful news for those Iggy Pops out there who've had it in the ear before.
- And lastly...?
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